(Picture of me in Tel-Aviv, promising myself to finally be happy, March 2018).
You must wonder why I haven't written for so long, but, to be honest, I've decided to take a few moments for myself. I started the year of 2018 quite badly. I've lost some people that were important in my life, I have tried to find a job (that I finally found in March), and I decided to take a big decision in my life: getting rid off the people who were toxic to my happiness.
So yes, in summary: a lot of things happened! I found a job and I tried to find an apartment but, unfortunately, I lost it before I could even sign the papers. But you know, sometimes it's just that it's not meant to be. Life has always a lot of hidden surprises. But this, I understood it only recently.
So what made me want to finally fight sadness?
I realized that in my entire life, I've always been sweet, understanding, caring. This isn't a sign of weakness, it's just a sight of your personality and it's good. However, some people abused of my sweetness. For many years. And it's only recently that I realized about it. For example, I used to care so much about people, that I would be the one running after them to try to hang out with them. I've been so caring that I was the one calling them whenever there was a Facebook status, or a Tweet that made them look sad and needy. Bad mistake. Because with that, it made them be quite dependent of my sweetness. But what happened when I was the one sad? Nothing. Because that's how people are. And to be honest, today, I'm happy I got rid off those friends. Even the ones I had for so many years.
Learn how to detect a toxic person.
Again, it took me time to understand it. I was caring about a friend for so many years, I didn't even realize that she was actually toxic to me. I would be the one always texting to get a chance to see her. She wouldn't even answer to her phone. And whenever we had a day scheduled, she would cancel on the day. That's what happened to a New Year's day. I ended alone, crying and disappointed. And two years later, that's what happened to me again: she bailed on me as we had tried to plan a week of holidays, and told me that it's was huge as some friends of her were going to the South and were taking her with them. At some point, I didn't have the strength to do this again and again. So I cut short this friendship (after long years). And the worst of it? Receiving a text at 3AM, with a novel blaming you for being so selfish. That's how I realized that I was surrounded by toxic people. And it wasn't the only case.
Finding my own happiness.
Little by little, I cleaned my life and the people surrounding me. I kept only those who valued me and didn't bring me down with their toxicity. This year of 2018, I've took a very had personal decision that in the end made me feel lighter. But now that I did it, I realized that this is what I truly needed. Because when something bad happens, something else comes. And I couldn't feel happier than right now. As I got rid off the negativity eating me inside, causing me Bulimie crisis, moody days, I realized I was finally living.
I made myself the promise of being happy, surrounded by positive people and ignoring the rest.
It's been years that I've been hiding behind my shyness and my lack of confidence. I was feeling not worth it at all. I was feeling like I was the shittiest person who didn't deserve to have what other people truly had. And since May, everything has changed for me. And I even found the person I gave my heart to. All this time I was wondering but he was right there. And now I am looking to the future and not the past. I'm done with that version of me that has suffered all this time, now it's time to focus on my happiness.
Don't forget that as long as you haven't gotten rid off toxic people, you can't be fully happy. You can't feel lighter, or complete at 100%. It's hard, I know, but sometimes you have to do it for your own sake and your mental health. Take care of yourself, stop neglecting yourself or thinking that you're not worth it. You mean a lot to some people, you just need to find who they truly are. Or maybe, like me, you know it. You just have to stop neglecting them.
One more thing: SMILE. Life is somehow beautiful, no matter what issues you have. Just remember that there's always a solution and most importantly: if you want it, DO IT.
I'll just conclude with this sentence that is now my mojo for the beginning of my new life: don't dream your life, live your dream.